mystery.white.girl.

Comment to be added.

*stretches* *rubs away headache*

I guess last night when I had gotten out of the shower after crying my eyes out and thought the crying bout was over I was wrong, because it came back last night when I needed to go to bed, around midnight. I was pretty much bawling, quietly, but doing so nonetheless. I'm more than pissed that my longtime record of not crying was broken yesterday, especially when I'd worked so hard to keep myself happy. All for what? For it to be brutally crushed, but I am going to get back to it, because it was nice waking up with a good feeling in my heart everyday, and it was nice to just laugh and be bouncy and not have any particular explanation for it. I'm going to get back to that no matter how people treat me.

My prize from last night's session is a bitching headache, which I'm not surprised that it has yet to dissipate given that I was crying until at least one in the morning and I woke up at ten. I'll survive though, but today is obviously going to be a day of taking it easy, playing my game, reading my book, watching TV and generally avoiding people. It is supposed to be a holiday weekend or something.

I need to vastly re-think a lot of points in my life. As for the writing issue, I think, with the aid of some, I've come to my senses. When it comes to the little writing group, I'm like the Pearl Jam of the group, while everyone else is like, Nickelback or um, some other band like that. Nickelback and similar bands are easily digestible chunks of rock, while Pearl Jam goes deeper under the pulse of that, writing complicated rhythms, invested lyrics and deep internal thoughts. Nickelback albums sell like hotcakes because it's easy listening; Pearl Jam isn't even considered relevant because of their deeper music. And yes, Pearl Jam has its purpose, and it's to make the bands like Nickelback look better, but it's also to offer a more interesting alternative if people want something different, something deeper.

That said, everyone should go to

ruined_letters</div>

Despite all of that, I can't say I'm exactly ready or comfortable to either post or write right now.

As for the people in my life, I'm beginning to realize that I deserve better from some. I need to be more assertive, I know, but I need to keep myself sane and happy. If somebody treats me like shit, a simple apology is not going to cut it anymore. Maybe I blame people for too much, maybe I start trouble at times, but when people treat me like shit, when they cross the line and break my month of not crying, extreme measures have to be taken. It's not just I'm sorry and that's it. I deserve better from people. I've always allowed myself to be a doormat, and I suppose that's why I gave up on the writing thing. Two years ago when I started ruined_letters it was just me and I was fine with that. Now, if the cheese stands alone, then the cheese fucking stands alone. Someone will find something someday, and if they don't, I started that site for me, and it will remain for me. I've never been a popular person in general, so why that would change I don't know. My writing never was a huge draw, so why that would change I don't know. Everything I like retains that deeper element to it. It's why after all these years Conor Oberst is still an indie artist though Bright Eyes is a pretty big name. It's why the vast majority of people will never catch onto Jeff Buckley. It's why Chris Cornell will become a top 40 name with his new album, because he's giving up deepness in his writing. It's why Pearl Jam is considered irrelevant by some. It's why Fiona Apple is not as popular as like, Tori Amos, because you need to listen with a thesaurus and it takes effort.

People stray from deepness, from internal thought, from anything that's not easily digestible. People don't come online to read mini-novels, and that's what I write. Of every fan fiction I've ever read, no one writes at all like me (Adam comes close, but he's the only one I can think of). Maybe I take my writing too seriously, but people don't try, it seems, because it's nothing serious. I take my writing deadly seriously, and someone will appreciate that someday. For those who do find it, and do like it, then that's what I'm there for, that's my purpose. And yeah, I probably deserve better than nothingness for the vast amount of effort I put forth in my writing, and I'm going to get it one way or the other. From now on, in every aspect of my life, I command respect, and if people don't like that, then they can take a hike.

Okay man, this time it IS fucking mosquitos, eighteen bites in all from my ankles to inches above my knees on both legs. I should have worn my leggings. This is lame.

This calls for Pearl Jam. XD

 
By the way, I made icons last night to pick me up from my semi-mehness. I also watched Pearl Jam, TB2K, and loud too, very loud. I think everyone in my house knew I was watching it.

Anyway, the sexy icons are as follows, since I'm gonna be on a bit of an Eddie kick and you won't see them. The Eddie one is MINE. The rest you can take if you really want to (this post will be left open for that reason, and yeah, if you don't know my fandoms by now... 1. Eddie Vedder 2. Fiona Apple 3. Chris Cornell 4. Jeff Buckley 5. Yoshi).

    

I've got plans today, but hmmm, not until later. I should start packing up my stuff, or at least hunting down a plastic toothbrush container and thinking about what to wear. I finally get to tote my Pearl Jam tote bag!

Road trip songs. Suggest 'em here, please flisties? I need them before Sunday. Thanks! :) 

119 icons:

MOVIES:

The Dark Knight (10)

MUSIC: 

Queens of the Stone Age (8)
Fiona Apple (10)
nine inch nails (10)
Eddie Vedder at the VH1 Rock Honors: The Who (8)
Rage Against the Machine (6) 
Soundgarden (10)
Nirvana (10)
Jeff Buckley (10)
Pearl Jam (37)




Teasers:



Saving up a sunny day, something maybe two-toned...

Here be the link.

And here be some screenshots.

This post is left open for all who want to nab the Ed goodness.

20 Pearl Jam icons from the recent tour.X-posted . Free for everyone to use, with or without credit. :)